I want to run away.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want a listener.

I want to run away because so many things have happened in the past two months---things that I want to talk about, but no one here would understand.

As I said before in my March entry, some Hmong traditions are way fucked up. Or did I not say that? I've said that in so many places I forget where. The Hmong are still very into old traditions. They need to speed up because in order to live, they have to adapt to the new things. And some of those old traditions just aren't going to do any good. Social Darwinism is what it's called, I believe. So far, the Hmong have not proven that they have the traits to live on for a long time. It's all fucked up.

Don't get me wrong though, I like being Hmong... Or am I just being in denial again? Wait, am I in denial for saying that I like being Hmong, or am I in denial for not wanting to be Hmong? Either way, I have myself stuck in a fucked up situation. I will never solve this case.

Family. I like my family. Upper middle class, great parents, what else can I ask for? Just my Daddy makes me happy. Not to mention my extended family. I love them all. My grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.. I come from a big family, and no doubt, I love it!

So what's wrong? I can't seem to find that answer myself. Could it be the decisions I've been making? Could it be other's decisions that have affected me? I'm thinking it's both. My sister has made the biggest mistake of her life. I cried three days straight... but I don't know why. She's happy, shouldn't I be happy for her? It just gets worse and worse and worse. I don't seem to care about school anymore. I'm in the top 10%, or at least I was, I think. I've noticed a drop in my grades. I got a C in Algebra, but I don't really care.

I went out with a couple of friends a couple months ago to a hotel and had a drinking party. It was fun! Although, my lips got really really numb afterwards. I also went out with some guy friends at night and had some green. No effect on me whatsoever. And the other night, I went out again, to a drinking party, and afterwards, did some green. Had the munchies so went to Perkins. hehe! shh!

What else is new? Oh yeah, I just realized that I wasted too much time wrapping myself around a guy's finger for the past year. Yup, one year... I kept track! It turns out, he doesn't really care. He wants a half/half, and I'm not half/half... I'm 100% Hmong, biatch!

I really need a break. Everything has been so overwhelming. Family, friends, relatioships, personal problem, and school shit (although, schoo's off my back for now). Where should I go? I mean, I'm not going to run away, run away. I'm only going to run away for a day or so. Where can I go to regroup my feelings? I need to find myself. I've always felt incomplete.

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