I've been planning on writing little entries ever since last year but I thought I might as well start on a new year. So basically, all I'm gonna talk about is what I went through during each month and my thoughts and feelings on certain subjects. I'm doing this because I like all of you and I thought maybe I'd share a little about myself each month. And especially because I need a place to vent out about things and I thought JSL would be a good place because I don't know any of you in person so your feedbacks will impact me more and I don't have to worry about feeling embarrassed. Besides, Jusun expressed using this place as an area to get to know one another better so that motivated me, and it'll get others started... hopefully. Here goes...
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January, the month of cold weather, snow, and my birthday! This year was special for me because I received my driver's license, and it was my 16th birthday. I don't know why a person's 16th birthday is so special but maybe it just came by as tradition?... So yeah, I'm 16... I sat in the car one day and just thought, "Damn, I'm 16... I've been on this Earth for 16 years... 16 years... that's a fricken long time... and what have I done my 16 years?" and all I could recall was school and education. Then I thought some more and promised to myself that I would do good in school and go on to college, get a good job, then for sure, take good care of my parents... especially my Daddy! Jeeze, I don't remember how long I just sat in the car in the cold weather thinking.

A couple nights later, I went to pick up Kenny and we went out to play. I didn't get back home until midnight but when I went out with Kenny, we talked to each other about certain things that were bothering me. We talked about what is perfect and why I wasn't satisified. Not satisfied with what I have or what I want but satisfied deep within me. We talked some more and I finally came to the conclusion that whatever it is inside me that is not satisfactory, I will never have. It feels like that itch inside that you wish you could scratch but you just can't reach it. No matter where you scratch, it's still there... unsatisfied, incomplete... like a missing puzzle piece. I wish I knew what it was.

So now, my family. I will always remember how my two younger sisters changed during this month of January. My younger sister, Nuku, had hurt me deeply. And as most will know, I'm extremely emotional and sensative. I asked her if I could help her and she said no. I asked "why not?" and she said because she didn't want my help. again, I asked, "why not?" and she finally said because I was 'me'. Just because I was 'me'. Later, I asked her what she wanted and she said that she didn't want anything and if I was gonna get her something, she wouldn't take it. and as I did before, I asked "why not?" and again, she answered "because you're you." That really hurt me. It hurt me so much that I cried. My eyes got all teary and I went to the bathroom and wiped my tears in there. I didn't understand why she didn't want my help or want a gift from me. So why did it hurt me so much? Well, when we were younger, she told me that she chose me as her role-model, hero, or whatever you want to call it. I was flattered and surprised because out of my mom, dad, and grandma, she chose me... she chose me. and now, to hear her say that because I'm me, she doesn't want anything from me, it tears me up inside. It really does. Writing this makes me choke. I talked to my girls one night about how I felt and how I was being treated and I went through so much tissue paper. God, I wish I could tell my sisters how I felt , but that's just wierd because I grew up not showing my true feelings or even talking about it.

Kanong. She's not as much trouble as Nuku when it comes to hurting my feelings but she's gotten herself into a situation that I totally do not approve of. She's 14 years old and still pretty immature knowing what she has just got herself into. She's put herself into a relationship with a legal 'man'.. if you wanna call him that. He's 19 turning 20 this year... or was it last year. It's disgusting. I talk to her all the time about him... about how he can take advantage of her just like that because he's much stronger. I told her that they could get in HUGE trouble if 'people' were to find out---especially him. My Daddy didn't find out until a couple weeks later and my Daddy yelled at her for how long... she even talked back to my Daddy, something that NO ONE would ever do because whenever my daddy says something, that's the way it HAS to be (he's the oldest son and that goes along with the most respect thing). So yeah, my sister doesn't care and is still with him. Doing their whole "love" relationship thing... btw, is love kissing and hugging? I would think not. Anyways, so I tell her he's not good for her because of so so so many other reasons. I don't like the guy because he's gotten her into big trouble. ARGH, I could go on and on about this situation... Basically, I don't like the guy... but my sister says that I don't know him so I shouldn't say anything. I tell her, "what makes you think that you know him then?"

Besides family, school is a fricken hassle. Jeeze, Monday nights I have vocal jazz and Show Choir, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I have SEEDS, Tuesday and Wednesday nights I have Hmong Culture Group, Thursdays are reserved for Vocal Jazz and Show Choir, and Fridays I have newspaper in the morning and usually they are my free nights but never end up that way because I always have extra rehearsals from the other activities. Then Saturday is Show Choir competitions that take a whole day. Last weekend, I wasn't home until 3 in the morning... Then Sunday nights are Homework nights. Jeeze, what a headache. I don't have time to do other things anymore. Like volleyball... I love volleyball but I never have time to go play at the club anymore. And I was planning on going out for soccer this year but how can I? jeeze, I think I put myself into too many things at once. School is absolutely overwhelming this year... Jeeze, just remembered, I still need to get a job.

BLAAAAAAAAH~ I seriously need a vacation. I want to be able to sit down, relax, and not have to worry about things that I need to get done for the next day or days after that. I need to not worry about ANYTHING. Family, friends, school, etc. I wanna be free of worries... at least for one week.

Bah, so yeah! Those are all my thoughts for this month. I'm sure I have more, those are just the major ones that I've thought about a lot. But yet, it feels incomplete... as I always feel incomplete. I can never come to a satisfactory conclusion.

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hey, thanks for opening up. i really appreciate it. =*)

i think everyone experiences a hunger for something that will really satisfy - only to find it in brief intervals that never seems to last. its what keeps us motivated and gives us a sense that theres some purpose in life. because without that thirst - if life was really fulfilling, as everyone dreams it to be - what would we then live for? some people will try to fulfill that emptiness through religion, others through love, and others through money, but in the end, itll always be there, lingering in our hearts. i dont know, i wrote a journal entry about this actually, and thats how i concluded my thoughts.

and its natural for a younger sibling to look up to the older one while theyre growing up. i used to look up to my one-year-older brother myself when i was a little kid. he was my role model and i wanted to be just like him in every way. but as i grew older, i began to see faults in my brothers character, and became pretty disappointed by them. my brother wasnt some kind of superhuman that i first thought him to be, but just a normal everyday guy. my communication skills still very crude, the only way i knew how to express myself was by hurling insults at him. i remember insulting him every night for no reason when i was in taiwan (hehe sorry hyung =/). also, it was a way for me to assert my own independence from my brother; until then, i relied on my brother for many things, but afterwards, i began to do things on my own. maybe youre sister is going through the very same thing. its not a bad thing for your sister to become independent from you, though i can see it might cause some strains in the relationship. i guess whats important is for you, as an older sister, to continually be supportive of her and be understanding. its only a phase really.

as for your other sister, i cant but say how thoroughly disgusted i am by her 20-year-old boyfriend. i wonder what his college buddies will think of him if they knew he was going out with a 14-year-old. it is pathetic that a grown man would rather date a teenager who hasnt even fully developed than someone more close to his age. yet it will be your sister who will ultimately pay for his pathetic self with her innocence. if i had such a younger sister, i would call the police immediately and get that sleazebag behind bars (or atleast a court order prohibiting him to see her). she might hate me for it then, but im sure shell realize that it was for her own good two to three years later and thank me then.

and im glad to know that youre busying yourself. its a good sign that youre somewhat content in life. work and study hard. college will come before you know it. =)

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