What did one gay sperm say to another?
"How do we find an egg in all of this shit?"

What does GAY stand for?
Got Aids Yet?

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotopus.



Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.





Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the
Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...
building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why
you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they
smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get
one! (chugs beer)

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible
curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yoghurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yoghurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say
you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that
movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and
disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As
an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you
wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign
whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).

What's the point of going out? We're just going to
wind up back here anyway.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike!
You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Report this post to a moderator | IP: Logged