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Performing for no one...
I went to the invite at Logan HS. My Mom took me because I missed the bus that I was supposed to ride. We left at 1:45 PM and when she dropped me off at the school, I told her that Dad and her should come watch me at 2 PM because I was performing with Midwest Express, Holmen HS's show choir. She said that she'd tell Dad and they'd come and watch me, so I walked into the school and found Midwest Express's homeroom.
My parents had never seen me perfrom with Midwest Express before because this was my first year and we had four competitions before and those were a couple hours away from town, so they never went to watch. But the invite at Logan HS was an in-town competition. A competition that my parents could actually come and watch, so I expected them to come. I told my parents a week ahead and I reminded them several times---hoping that they would know that I'd really really appreciate it if the came to watch me perform.
An hour before I went on, I called home to see if they had come yet. My Mom answered the phone and said that my Dad said they didn't want to come watch me. So, I asked for my Dad and she gave him the phone. I asked him if they were coming and he said no. I became sad and said a quick "ok" and hung up the phone.
I went back into the homeroom and sat quietly. I knew that they weren't going to come. I didn't even know why I expected them to come watch me, it's not like they had ever watched any of my performances before. I thought some more and my vision became blurry with tears forming. I ran to the restroom quick, covering my face so that no one would notice that I had tears rolling down my cheeks already. I opened the girl's restroom door and there were two girls from my school in there. Luckily, they didn't ask me what was wrong.
I walked out of the restroom and went back to the homeroom and got ready to perform. I looked like crap and people could tell that I wasn't in a good mood. They'd ask me what was wrong and I would answer with a simple, "nothing".
After everyone was ready, we went into the warm-up room to warm up our vocals and go over blocking. I tried not to think about my parents and looking out into the crowd knowing that I was performing for no one. Warm-up was almost over and we had to get ready to go on stage.
Midwest Express has a tradition of singing a funny song with actions to cheer everyone up and get them hyped for performing. Our dance captain would run around singing at the top of her lungs with a big smile across her face. The competitions before, I would be so into the silly song and whenever she ran passed me, she'd laugh... but this time, she knew something was wrong because I wasn't enjoying myself. After the silly song was over, she asked me what was wrong and I answered with another simple, "nothing" and tears started forming again in my eyes. She hugged me and hot tears ran down my cheeks. I felt like crying my heart out but I couldn't do it right before performance so I had to shut it in. The show choir needed me or blocking would be off... besides that, I had an important role in the show.
I wiped my tears and went to the girl's restroom again, quickly. I had to make sure my stage make up wasn't smudged. I walked out and followed the rest of the group to the waiting hall, to get on stage. While in the hallway, my friend asked me, "Are your parents here?". I thought, and answered, "No". I was embarrassed.
When we finally started our performance, I looked up into the crowd. The first few rows were reserved for the performer's relatives so I looked there. I scanned and found my friends parents sitting there in awe at how different and amazing our show was! Still, I kept a big fake smile across my face with my teeth showing. A great big smile with no feeling. I had to shut all my thoughts out and act as if everything was going great---an act I didn't feel at the time. I was performing in front of a crowd with over a thousand people... yet, I felt I was performing for no one. Our show was over.
We walked through the back and put all our equipment away and everyone rushed to the front to meet their relatives and friends. I didn't find the use to rush because no one came to watch me. When I returned to the front, all my friend's parents were hugging their children in Midwest Express, congratulating them, giving them "You did great!" comments and more. I just walked through the crowd and returned to the homeroom. Again, my eyes watered and I turned away, making sure no one saw.
We returned to the gym for the announcment of the five finalists. In the hallway, I met my cousin's mother. She said, "Your parents didn't come?". I made up an excuse, I said, "No, our relatives are having a meeting so they didn't come.". She looked at me funny and again, I was embarrassed. I walked to the gym alone.
Before the man onstage called off the five finalists he made a little announcement. An announcement about the parents and their support. He even asked all the parents to stand up for a round of applause. Heh, where were my parents? And support? Sure enough, I was embarrassed. We didn't make the finals, which was fine with me. Why would I want to perform again if my parents weren't going to be there to see me?
It was a shitty day. I had invited my parents to come watch me because being in Midwest Express was a great accomplishment for me. It was something I was proud of. I thought my parents would be proud too---especially my Dad, knowing his love for singing and dancing. That's where I received my love for singing and dancing. And to know that my Dad didn't want to come watch me perform hurt me. It was as if, he didn't care for what I love to do. He didn't appreciate my accomplishments.
It hurt to watch other parents caress their children. It hurt to hear people ask me where my parents were. It hurt to be embarrassed for something I didn't do wrong and cover up for being embarrassed about it. And it especially hurt to know that even though I was performing in front of a crowd of over one thousand people, I was performing for no one. I didn't have the excitement everyone else did to perform for their parents and relatives. I didn't have the excitement everyone else did to do a great job because some one they truly loved was out in the crowd watching. It was painful. Painful to perform for no one.
~February 8th, 2003
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02-09-2003 09:29 PM
hopefully they're realize how important this is to you and they can see your next performance?
i feel ya when i was on basketball team and my parents promised me they'll go to at least one of my games but they never showed and for that i gave up on basketball. parents these days...well i really hope you feel better
