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Why she won't tell you what's wrong
It's lampooned in bad relationship jokes all the time: "If you don't know why I'm mad, I'm not going to tell you." The exchange is amusing on television, but less pleasant in real life. Still, there are some good reasons why she might be upset but unwilling to tell you why. Try these five, for starters:
1. She feels her reasons are silly
It's not that uncommon that someone is embarrassed by their own motivation, but that doesn't make the feelings less valid. "Cindy used to get upset with me, then not bring it up because she thought it wasn't important in the big picture," says Dyson, 31. "When she finally opened up about it, the fact that it wasn't a big deal was just a relief." Assure your partner that you value all her opinions, and you'll take them seriously no matter what. She'll be more likely to share her feelings if she knows she won't get the eye-roll.
2. She needs time to cool down
"Donna was furious, and I thought her unwillingness to talk was just stubborn behavior," says Marn, 27. "Really she just wanted a chance to think things out before talking." Respect your partner's internal workings. Sometimes a minor incident can erupt into a major conflagration if you both don't take the time to work out your own thoughts. If she's obviously mad and clams up when you ask, respect her need for some time — withdraw and deal with it when everyone has relaxed.
3. She doesn't want to bother you
Problems at work, with other friends or even with you might not be addressed if she's trying to be thoughtful. Venting is healthy, and listening is one of the jobs partners do for each other. Let her know that you'll make time for her concerns, just as she makes time for yours. A problem never seems small to the one who's having it, so make yourself available.
4. You really should know without being told
If you've done something that deserves her wrath, you probably know what it is. Quit playing coy and deal with the problem. If you're genuinely stumped, why not start by saying "I honestly don't know what I did, but I'm sorry about it." An apology can go a long way, especially if she feels she's owed one.
5. It's got nothing to do with you
"Mara was upset with her boss and brought it home," says Bowman, 33. "I thought she was mad at me, but she insisted nothing was wrong. It made us both tense." The sun, moon and stars don't revolve around you, Casanova. Something may be on her mind that you're not involved in — so pestering her about it will make it worse. As much as she may want to talk, she may want to deal with it herself. Respect that, and do what you can to minimize other hassles while she's addressing her problem.
Failure to communicate is the biggest reason relationships crumble. Following these simple steps to understand one another's feelings can be the difference between a relationship's success or failure. It doesn't require extra work, just more patience and understanding.
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.as...=211&lid=92
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11-24-2003 04:54 PM
