1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

4. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

10. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

11. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

12. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

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