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[Julie] March
What’s Hmong? Earlier this month, I went to a session about accepting ourselves and promoting our differences at the University of Wisconsin La Crosse. It was an exciting event because there were great and persuasive speakers along with enjoyable entertainment, such as the Western African Drummers and Korean Drummers. During the end of the session, representatives from different organizations came to talk about what their organizations promoted and why they were in the organization. The organizations ranged from promoting help for disabled people, to health related organizations, and to cultural promotion organizations. H.O.P.E., an organization that was developed in the early 90's to help Asian students through college was also there with a young Hmong lady representative. Her name was Sai Xiong. She was ranting about how the school district does not teach anything about the Hmong people in the Vietnam War.
Before I can go on, I must explain the importance of the Hmong people in the Vietnam War and why they’re here, in the United States. During the Vietnam War, the CIA had secretly asked the Hmong people in their villages to help the Americans fight against the North Vietnamese. An important man of the Hmong, General Vang Pao Vang, questioned the CIA about what were to happen to the Hmong if the Americans would lose. He stated that the Hmong would suffer and die because the Vietnamese would know that the Hmong had helped the Americans. In return, the government of the United States promised that if they were to lose, the government would make sure that those who helped during the war would be sent to a safer place to live. In the end, as we all know, the Americans backed out of war and their promise to the Hmong had to be done. I could go on and on about the Hmong and the Vietnam War but this is just a brief summary.
So, as I said before, Sai Xiong was ranting about how the Hmong people are not even mentioned once in history class about how they risked their lives to help the Americans during the Vietnam War. She said many things that I agreed with such as how Hmong children don’t even know how to speak their own language correctly, how the children don’t even know their traditions, culture, and history. Along with this statement, she said that Asian children are forced to learn about the U.S. history and are not even asked to learn their homeland’s history. Then she began to talk about how some Hmong children are embarrassed to tell people that they’re Hmong, how they don’t know their true identities, and many other things.
Listening to her speak made me hate myself. I realized that what she was saying related to how I felt. I grew up in a small town with Caucasians as the dominant race. I remember being tormented in middle school and even in elementary school. Back in the early 90's, two of my aunts went to school in this town and they would tell me how the “white” people at the high school would wear fishing hooks to show that they hated “gooks” or “chinks”.
When Sai Xiong said that some Hmong children are embarrassed to tell others that they were Hmong, I remembered not wanting to tell people what my nationality was. Perhaps it was because I was tormented for being different. I didn’t want to be Hmong and even now, at times I wish I wasn’t Hmong. I still don’t know my real identity. I always ask myself, exactly where did the Hmong come from? Why am I here? What am I? What is Hmong? Where do I belong? As we all should know, there are many stories as to where the Hmong originated from. Hmong people are scattered all over the world due to the Vietnam War. No one knows the truth and I wish some one did so I would feel a sense of belonging. I really don’t know what I am and every time I feel the urge to find a correct conclusion, I can’t find one because there’s no answer. Exactly, when are we going to find a conclusion so I can feel like I belong?
Not only did I feel lost, sad, and upset about myself, I was angered by the fact that the Hmong are not even in the history books or are even bothered to be whispered about throughout most school districts in the United States. It’s not that I’m looking for fame for the Hmong. I just want the Hmong to be recognized for what they did to help during the Vietnam War. Here we are, sitting in history class and learning about the history of the Native Americans, African-Americans, and the Japanese during WWII... yet, we do not touch upon the Hmong during the Vietnam War. I’m sure many are going to argue about teaching the history of all races in that case, but realize that the Hmong had to do with the U.S. history. I mean, if the Hmong did not get involved with the U.S. during the Vietnam War, then sure, leave us out of the books. This makes me angry that most school districts don’t mention the Hmong. I bet some history teachers don’t even know about the Hmong Veterans. I dare you to ask your history teacher what Hmong is. I’m angry, because I, myself, didn’t even know about this information until last year, when I joined a Hmong Culture Club.
I have more rants. I’m angry at myself because I don’t know how to write in my language. Nor can I think in my language as much as I would like to. I can’t even remember some Hmong words so I have to say it in English. I can’t say some words correctly and it makes me mad. I’ve lost a lot of my language along with tradition and have adopted to the Western ways. I’m a hypocrite because I don’t want to be Hmong because of criticism, yet, I want to know my own language and learn my traditions because I believe it’s important. How can I want to be Hmong, yet, a different race? I hate living in two worlds—one, learning what I am, and the other, living it just to survive.
It’s so hard to not know where my homeland is. It’s sad that I don’t know where I belong. I want a country to call my own as does everyone else have a country to call their own. It’s hard to be two different people in two different worlds. I’m in pain because I just don’t feel a sense of belonging. Not just living-wise, but also personal-wise. As much as I hate myself for it, I’m not comfortable knowing that I’m Hmong because of how I grew up and because of realizing things. I would like to share everything that I went through that makes me feel the way I do so you would have a better understanding but even if I did, you wouldn’t understand because you never felt it. You have to slip on my shoes to understand me the way I do. You have to wear my coat to think the way I do. You just can’t sit back, listen to a few stories, and have the right opinion about the situation already. Live it and you’d feel the same.
I’ve also missed a lot of people this month. Spring brings that affect on me. The weather, the sun, the rain, the leaves, basically everything about Spring. It also brings back a lot of memories of my past. I was walking around the neighborhood earlier in the month of March because the weather was extremely nice and I began to think about all my old good days with my girls, the Maychas. We had grown up together and did almost everything together. We never keep secrets from one another and we can rely on each other for help. Although we live in different states, we keep in touch and whenever we meet, we always have a blast. I really love these girls. They always bring joy and happiness into my life. I show my happy personalities when I’m with them. They just have that special affect on me! I’m never sad when I’m with them. I guess the best way to explain how I feel is when someone is in a loving relationship and they always wake up feeling happy and special. That’s how I feel when I’m around the Maychas. I know I’m always going to have fun with them. They mean a lot to me, just as my family means a lot to me. With this, I just want to give a little shout out! I love you girls and I’ll always be there for you! Maycha Pride! ^^v
Out of all the people I know, I look up to him the most. My Daddy is my hero! He’s always been there for me through thick and thin, helped me whenever I needed it, and supported me throughout my entire life. I don’t know what I’d do without him. We’ve been through so much that I’m surprised at how my Daddy can still stand strong. I love my Daddy! He’s helped me so much that I feel like I need to pay my debts. I’ve set future goals in my life and taking care of him is one of them. He just means so much to me. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t here anymore. I wish I could explain so that you’d understand wholly but again, no one can understand how I feel wholly unless they’ve been through the exact things that I’ve gone through. I just want to end saying that I love my Daddy from the deepest part of my heart. He’s very special to me, more special than anyone else can ever be. I’m glad that I have him as my Daddy!
This past month hasn’t brought much but it’s made me really miss people and realize how I truly feel about being who I am. Hopefully, I can find my true identity some day and feel at home. I mainly focused on my nationality for this month because I believe it’s a big part of me as other’s nationalities are a big part of them. I’m sorry if this month’s lagged in interest but it just means a lot to me to finally accept the fact that I am who I am and I feel the way I feel. Let’s hope April will bring lots of fun so my entries aren’t so depressing.
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04-06-2003 10:30 PM
