A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses. Which hits the ground first?
The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!

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What's the difference between a blonde and Windows 95?
The blonde operates on more laptops!

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This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated, and then gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

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A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

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Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

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Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

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Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

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A young man goes home from a war to see his mother in the hills of West Virginia. She has never left the hills and has never seen anything like her son's uniform or gun. He shows his mother both items, then she asks about the grenades on his belt. He says,“'Well, you pull the pin and throw it.” She still doesn't quite get it, so he decides to demonstrate and throws it into the backyard.
The outhouse blows up and his mother cries, “Son you shouldn't have done that! Your father was in there.” And out crawls his father, all covered in dirt. He looks over at the hole and says, “Good thing I didn't let that off in the house.”

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Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."

Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"

The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

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What's the definition of innocence?
A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making little sleeping bags for mice.

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Yo mama is so old that her Social Security number is 1.

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George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.
''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers the President.

''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter.

''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.''

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Q: Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?
A: So she could use it as a mirror.

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One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho," beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"

"I'm marrying Dan Rather!"

"Dan Rather?!"

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

(lol so cute)

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quote:

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Originally posted by GinaDaQueen
A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."

---

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

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A young man goes home from a war to see his mother in the hills of West Virginia. She has never left the hills and has never seen anything like her son's uniform or gun. He shows his mother both items, then she asks about the grenades on his belt. He says,“'Well, you pull the pin and throw it.” She still doesn't quite get it, so he decides to demonstrate and throws it into the backyard.
The outhouse blows up and his mother cries, “Son you shouldn't have done that! Your father was in there.” And out crawls his father, all covered in dirt. He looks over at the hole and says, “Good thing I didn't let that off in the house.”

---

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its better to lose a lover, than to love a loser

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hahahahah some of them were funny but some i didn't understand

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Well, rednecks are stereotyped for having relations within their family. So, since she's a virgin, her family didn't want to sleep with her. Erfz .. it's confusing to explain.

Since he's a cannibal, he's eating his mother-in-law.

The father thinks it's his fart/shit that blew up the outhouse. I think. lol

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