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time to forget
It's a bit long but I thought I'd just share because it's one of the best relationships I've ever had (if not the best) and you all probably think that my relationships are all whack after a few things in the past that contain this thread
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I saw my ex-bf, Steven, at this weekend’s volleyball tournament. He was there with his volleyball team. I went because my team was playing and because I knew he was going to be there. I admit, I wanted to see him. I missed him and we hadn’t talked for a year—if I can remember.
I had a really fun summer with him when he came down to stay in the city of La Crosse. We went out to watch movies, had picnics at the park, and played volleyball every day when the sun was bright outside... actually, we met everyday when he was in town. He came during the summer to find a job but ended up not finding one. We had so much fun together, showed a lot of attraction towards one another, and most importantly, we communicated well and we were comfortable around each other (some of the things that I find to be the most important aspects of a relationship).
I remember going to watch Jurassic Park 3 with him. He sat real close to me and held my hands and every time something scary would happen, I’d grip his hand really tight. He’d just sit there and laugh. I also remember when we were at the park and I was playing volleyball and he was watching. The volleyball had rolled away and my aunt went to pick it up. Instead of rolling it nicely back to the court, she chucked it and I wasn’t watching, so it hit me in the head. Heh, I was so embarrassed. I remember when we went to Chuck E. Cheese’s and took pictures together in the picture booth. I still have that picture, except I can’t see anything because it’s all blurry due to water. But mentally, I can still see the picture—his arm around my shoulder, our heads together, and big cheesy smiles across our faces. Lastly, I remember meeting him every day to play cards. Yes, as boring as it sounds, I played cards with him every single day. It wasn’t boring when we played cards though. It was a lot of fun. He made playing cards fun. Everything we did together was fun, even if it really wasn’t. He had that special affect on me. Although it didn’t mean much to me at the time, I will always remember these occasions because they mean a lot to me now.
Sadly, we decided to break off our relationship after he went back to Appleton and after we tried to work things out for two months. I was really hurt, but I couldn’t do anything. He brought up the idea and I had to play along because I knew he was right. We kept in touch for a while after that and now I wish we never did. Heh, I remember him telling me that he could see himself married to me with lots of kids. He was a joker!
We just had so much fun together! Although he hurt me, I still miss him and want to be with him. And him coming to the volleyball tournament, and me going, reminded me of all those happy memories.
So I saw him at the volleyball tournament. It was an accident seeing him. He looked so different. A lot skinnier and very pale. He saw me too and looked away—as if he didn’t see me. But I looked at him and he turned back with a smile and waved at me. I smiled and waved to him also. It was an awkward moment. Later, I met him at the entrance and I asked him if he had eaten. I wanted to go out to Perkin’s with him but he said he had already eaten, so I just said okay. He said he’d see me later and I nodded. I watched him and his team members warm up for their next game. I stared at him wondering if he was as eager to talk to me as I was eager to talk to him. I wondered if he ever felt anything for me again. I just sat there, staring at him. And I started to notice how adorable and cute he was again. He’s a hottie, but it wasn’t necessarily his “hotness” that attracted me to him. It was his clean-cut personality, and how he did stupid things to make me laugh. But again, I noticed his skinniness and pale skin. It was kind of weird seeing him like that. It looked as if he had been sick for a long time or he had been doing drugs. After that, nothing happened... There was no conversation, no meeting, not anything. Not even a good-bye... So I realized that perhaps he wasn’t eager to talk to me, and perhaps he doesn’t feel anything for me. But who knows, maybe he’s still trying to get over our relationship and he knows that in order to do that, he has to stay away from me.
I kept thinking about it and came to the conclusion that he’s moved on. He doesn’t care for me anymore so I shouldn’t care for him either. But the truth is, I still do. I realize that he doesn’t care and I shouldn’t care either but as much as I don’t want to, I really do care. I wish I never met him, yet, I’m glad I did because I have all these special memories. I’m all stressed just thinking about this past weekend. Yet, I don’t know how to end my thoughts. I need to move on, just as he did. I need to get over it. But it’s so hard. I’ve always thought that time can heal so maybe it will. I’m just afraid that if I see him again, I’ll be right back where I started. But as I said, time will heal... even if it takes a couple years. I just need to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
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04-06-2003 10:29 PM
It's a good way for me to learn first hand!
