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Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya,
China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just
as Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as
having, "for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just
as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils? eh evilest? that we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi
President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World
War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have
three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical
chairs.
Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the
"Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling
up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the
Olympics".
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America",
while
Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That
Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just
something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack
McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he
rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one has asked them.
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04-06-2003 02:28 PM
