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ah, what do you think about my intro and conclusion?

Ok, I just finished this and I think I need to refine it... this is my introduction and conclusion to my research speech... it's on malaria...

plz tell me if my intro is a good attention getter or not... and if I should change it...

Oh, if you think I need changes anywhere else... tell me!

Intro:

The World Health Organization estimated that 300-500 cases of malaria occur and more than one million die of the infection each year. Most of us have heard about the West Nile Virus that is caused by mosquitos, but did you know that malaria is also caused my mosquitos? I was watching a show the other day about how deadly insects can be and the topic of malaria came up. In the topic on the show, an English man had gone back home from a tropical country. He was feeling okay for about one week, then symptoms of malaria started to occur. He mistook it for the flu----a really bad case of the flu. But when he had diarrhea of waste and blood and started vomiting dark goo, he realized that is wasn¡¯t a case of the flu. This show that I watched on TV got me interested in the malaria infection. In my research speech, I will be giving you a tour of what malaria is, how people can get malaria, the symptoms, how it is diagnosed and treated, and where a person can get malaria.

Concl:

The English man who was infected got the worst case of malaria. He was put in a hospital and doctors who knew the most about the malarian infection from all over the world helped cure him. He could have died but is living today. Now that I have educated you about what malaria is, how people can get it, the symptoms, how it is diagnosed and treated, and where people can get malaria, I hope that you will take an interest in this infection---as I did---and do your own research.

first off: the word "malarian" does not exist except for perhaps in Russian or Polish.

The whole thing about the Englishman's healing does not belong in the conclusion. You should have finished his story in the intro.

"In the topic on the show": whoa. That doesn't work.

"dark goo": try using more formal language

How you structured the intro was weird. You started with malaria. Go to your show experience, then say that the show got you interested in malaria. Try starting with your show experience first. Then follow up the "interest" with that statistics from the WHO.

"Most of us have heard about the West Nile Virus that is caused by mosquitos, but did you know that malaria is also caused my mosquitos?": State facts, don't ask.

Don't tell the audience to do their own research. It is YOUR job to educate them.

"In my research speech": cut out "research."

"how people can get malaria, the symptoms, how it is diagnosed and treated, and where a person can get malaria.": combine those two parts: "how and where a person can contract malaria." Same thing for the conclusion.


i'll put up some more later but now im busy

__________________
ni pour ni contre; ça m'est égal

"The weight of this sad time we must obey,/ Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say./ The oldest hath borne most; we that are young/ Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear (V.3.300-304)

wholey bujeebuz... 'malarian' is a typo... my bad! oops!


well this is what my teacher wants me to do, she wants my thesis statement restated in the conclusion, so I have it there...

haha, I can't find another word for 'dark goo' lol dark... blehz, help me...

how about "on the show" or "in the topic" ?

jeebus, most of the things you stated are in my intro and conclusion sheet that she gave us to use... like asking questions, using statistics, narratives, etc... it says I should use them...

blehs, I'm taking out the research part!

oh, and in the conclusion where I restate the thesis, it's in my outline that way, so I have to keep it that way...

am I forgetting something?

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ladi Jay
wholey bujeebuz... 'malarian' is a typo... my bad! oops!


well this is what my teacher wants me to do, she wants my thesis statement restated in the conclusion, so I have it there...

haha, I can't find another word for 'dark goo' lol dark... blehz, help me...

how about "on the show" or "in the topic" ?

jeebus, most of the things you stated are in my intro and conclusion sheet that she gave us to use... like asking questions, using statistics, narratives, etc... it says I should use them...

blehs, I'm taking out the research part!

oh, and in the conclusion where I restate the thesis, it's in my outline that way, so I have to keep it that way...

am I forgetting something?

---

__________________
ni pour ni contre; ça m'est égal

"The weight of this sad time we must obey,/ Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say./ The oldest hath borne most; we that are young/ Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear (V.3.300-304)

these are the main points in my outline

I. What is malaria?

II. You can get malaria from a malaria-infected mosquito. (refer to poster)

III. What are the symptoms?

IV. How is malaria diagnosed and treated?

V. A person can get malaria in: (show transparency)


say, I did word for word from my thesis? didn't know that either how about this?

"Now that I have educated you about what the malaria infection is, how people can get it, the symptoms of malaria, how it is diagnosed and treated, and where people can get it, I hope that you will take an interest in this infection---as I did."

help me with dark goo... plz


btw, thanks victor... greatly appreciated!

i think it would be better if it wasn't so conversational and in 2nd person/rhetorical so much.

i don't like my "obligation" to do research of malaria either as your conclusion implies. I'll admit right now i didn't read the entire intro, but the conclusion is very short. I don't need to know what you told me, you all ready told me. Clinch it and summarize, not "now that i've told you" but "something something something about malaria"

__________________
Long messages do not equal aggravation of any sort,
rather they reflect nothing more than a response of insight
that should always be read in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Those womyn that seek equality with men, lack determination."

"I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible you may be wrong."
-Cromwell

i thought the conclusion was supposed to be some sort of revelation you had while you were writing the paper?

otay nevermind..haha...


and just uh... lol i don't know i'm trying to write a paper right now myself..... i got a 75 on the last one so yea uh.. i'm in no position to be giving out suggestions or analyzing this but it does sound kind of weird. and yea don't ever ask the reader questions.... it doesn't make you sound very sure of yourself... and i REALLY don't like your last sentence... do my own research.... haha.. if you did your own research...shouldn't you have told us? so why are you telling the reader to do their own research..


lol i just wanted to say something funny though... my english teacher said that this kid last year in her ap class... took the test and started the essay with "the man was an old fart." so serious.. he got a 5 .(highest you can get)... .....that dude must have been a gifted writer if he could dig himself out of that ditch.

__________________
I hate google cache.

erm...the conclusion's pretty short. if i'm not mistaken...conclusions r suppose to summarize the whole speech (?) and it should end with a satisfying strong statement...get rid of the 'do ur own research' thing. and bout the 'dark goo' bit...just say that he was vomiting. full stop. well, that's what i would do...

__________________
"Remember...hope is a good thing,
maybe the best of things,
and no good thing ever dies."

the last sentence of your conclusion is a run-on sentence....

__________________
I hate google cache.

bring out the big picture in the conclusion.

All you have right now is, "i've told you whats up with malaria, do your own research. bam the end."

Bring it in full scope of the World's situation. Talk about it in context of other kinds of diseases. Especially since this is an oral assignment, you should talk about your own insights on the topics you covered in the information area of the speech.

__________________
ni pour ni contre; ça m'est égal

"The weight of this sad time we must obey,/ Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say./ The oldest hath borne most; we that are young/ Shall never see so much, nor live so long."
King Lear (V.3.300-304)

lol... I took all your suggestions into consideration and I've changed a few things... thanks everyone! speech is tomorrow! wish me good luck! I love getting in front of the class!

good luck!

buenos suerte!