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THE RIPPER: THE RIPPER'S GUIDE TO COLLEGE LIFE
zandd.com: When you first start college, I figure that you should not get too close with anyone during the first one and a half semesters. It usually takes that long to weed out all the losers who will flunk out and return home marred in shame. I love how they seem so surprised and indignant as the letter arrives from the dean calling for their academic dismissal. Did they really expect to pass without ever once going to class?

I find it even funnier how they try to approach their professors in an attempt to gain some pity, to which they are usually greeted with, "Who the hell are you?" Then the tears begin to flow and depression sets in as would-be friends throw them going away parties, which is pretty ironic since it was partying that got them kicked out in the first place. Through all this, they somehow maintain the disposition that they are in fact victims of a giant conspiracy conjured up by the administration, when they should have come to the realization that it is more important to know your professors than the bouncer at the local club.

Each semester, there are countless cases of sexual harassment and date rape. In many instances, na´ve girls are taken advantage of sexually by an obnoxious frat guy or any other form of social deviant. Now don't get me wrong, sexual encounters such as these are not a joking matter and are the fault of beer guzzling, under-sexed, one-inch loser guys who must resort to the role of sexual predator in order to find some sort of physical bliss. But I have to say that in some cases it's a two way street, and females must be held accountable for the role they play in certain situations. When you go to a party dressed in a bandana doubling as a dress, spend the next two hours consuming ten times the amount of alcohol that you know you can handle, and proceed to alienate yourself from your friends in order to ingratiate yourself with some football reject with drool spilling from his lips, you are putting yourself in a precarious position to say the least. In no way is a girl directly accountable for the pathetic actions of a hard-up delinquent, but let me ask you this: If I were to dress in all black and lie down on some train tracks at night, do you think that I would partially be to blame for what might happen?

I hate how when you get to college, it seems like Koreans split into two cliques, namely the church crowd and the party crowd. Let me establish that I don't have a bias either way. Yours truly can throw down a beer with the best of them, after which you are sure to find me at service on Sunday repenting from the sins of the previous evening. But to be honest, I find the hardcore members of both groups to be absurd in their ideology. One crowd spends their weekends touting their bibles, preaching to whomever will listen, hiding behind bible studies and church outings to flirt shamelessly with members of the opposite sex, and seeing themselves fit to self-righteously judge the misdeeds of the party crowd. How does that line go about letting "He who is without sin cast the first stone" (unless of course, you are the Ripper)? Let's put it this way, a lot of these church fanatics make the dude from I Know What You Did Last Summer look like a casual citizen, rather than the psychotic, fanatical stalker that he is. I am not saying that the party crowd is completely without fault, for during their reckless pursuit of partying, drinking, and promiscuity they needlessly spend their parents' hard earned money while allowing their grades to suffer. Even I would have to admit that prioritizing is necessary in some cases. Hell, nobody likes to have a good time more than me, but I think it's possible without acting like a total jackass and engaging in all seven of the deadly sins simultaneously. I draw the line at six. It is sad that there is such a division in the Korean community in many colleges when we should all be working together to do something good. I am not sure what "good" thing we could do, but there must be something. Seriously, can't we all just get along?

In general, I think that college is satisfactory. Sure the dorms are meager and the food is not exactly filet mignon. That's what Domino's Pizza is for. But there are many perks that go along with being a student. For instance, you get a free Internet connection, which allows you to browse the Web (and more importantly, read my column). There's no curfew, no restrictions, and girls living across the hall. What more could one ask for? It's just too damn bad that in between ordering pizza, drinking beer, and chasing women, we have to waste our time going to class. If we could get rid of that one little obligation (and good-for-nothing women like my ex-girlfriend), then college would be everything I had hoped for. One can always dream...

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