zandd.com: This month, I turn 17 years old. Seventeen years old. Can you believe it? Seventeen years ago, I was born on a hot, summer day in Seoul, South Korea. Seventeen years ago, you say your dreams came true when I was born. I say, the nightmare began 17 years ago when I was born.

The first 12 years were all right, I guess. I was the perfect, little boy that was always responsible and never got in trouble. Sure, there were days that could be forgotten, such as when I broke my arm when I was 7 years old fighting two other kids in my neighborhood; or when me and Mom were on the freeway and I put the car in reverse; or even when I burned my leg on a motorcycle, but it was all good. They were mistakes that could be forgiven and forgotten. I was just a little boy and I just had to learn.

I entered junior high. Remember that? Everything changed, huh? I was 13, and had so many "weird" friends. I started coming home with other people's blood on my shirt, and sometimes with black eyes myself. I started smelling like smoke when I was 13, but you denied it and thought I was going through a phase because I was still getting straight A's. Good students don't do bad stuff, right? My GPA was 4.0 in 8th grade and I graduated junior high with "Gold Card" honors so I shouldn't be doing that bad. You thought I would straighten up.

Oh, the summer after 8th grade. Remember that? I took your car out for a ride and hit someone and ran. I was 13, no permit, no license. I hit some lady and fled...and got CAUGHT. The day the police came, I ran out of the house for a week. When I came home, you were too disappointed to hit me, or anything. I was amazed. This was the summer I broke up with my girlfriend. I was having the hardest time getting a hold of my life. Remember? I always kept giving attitudes to everyone, staying in my room, talking to almost no one. You kept saying to yourself that I would grow up and become something better, that this was a phase and I would grow up...

Remember 10th grade? I beat up some freshman and got a five day suspension. You remember? You were pretty disappointed then, too. What was I supposed to do? He was a punk. So you understood what I experienced and let it pass. I got caught smoking about four times that year. You even forcefully tried to stop me.

How about this past year? You hit me so hard once that you broke my front tooth. For a month after that, you didn't exist in my life. I hated you and I didn't need a father like you. I didn't want a father like you. Through all the beatings and lectures you gave me, you went too far and I hated you and I promised myself to hate you forever. But for all the times you forgave me, I forgave you.

Dad, yesterday, I came home at 4:00 AM. I came in so loudly that you woke up and came downstairs. I was on drugs last night, and you could completely tell. I was rolling so hard that when you were talking to me, I couldn't stand still. Why did I come home so late, you asked. I couldn't reply...I couldn't think straight. You knew what was going on and you told me to go to sleep. On your suspicion, you went to my car and found 70 ecstasy pills I was going to sell at a rave and $700 that I made that night. You were so sad. I knew you were angry, but the disappointment in you was worse. You said you believed you failed me as a father and that you did not have the integrity or experience to deal with me. You were in tears. I couldn't show any emotion because I didn't have any then. I was just too pissed at myself for getting caught.

Dad, through my seventeen years, I have learned and experienced many lessons. I have made many stupid decisions that shouldn't have been made, but I made them anyway. I am writing this letter knowing that you will never read it. Dad, I messed up so many times, and I know that one day, if I grow old, I will look at you and be sorry for all the stress that I put you through. I wish that I can go back and make things right, but I know I can't. I hope that when you pass away and stand at heaven's gate, you can proudly say that you had raised a son that will grow up and become something. I wish that could be true.

From,
Your Son

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