zandd.com: I made close friends with a girl in California. I'm originally from New Jersey. We decided to wait for each other but I don't know if it could work out. It's just an online and phone relationship right now. She's off to be a freshman in college and I'm going to be a junior in high school. I'm going to visit her in her dorms, but I'm worried. I don't know what to do.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Honestly, I think that continuing this relationship might be kind of bad. Firstly, because it is long distance. Secondly, because you are a junior in high school and she is a freshman, things will get complicated. Not only will the distance make things hard, but the fact that she is just starting college will make things harder. She's going to be meeting tons of people, will be going out a lot, and doing other things. Freshman year is arguably the most fun year of college because it's all about experiencing. She's going to experience a lot, and that, to put it bluntly, includes guys. And to be brutally honest, the fact that the two of you never really had a relationship will make it easier for her to see other guys because technically, she's not tied down even if she did say that she would wait. I think that it would be in your best interests if you don't pursue this. There are plenty of girls around in your area that you could choose from, and it would probably work out better if you moved on to someone who not only is closer to you in age, but also lives closer to you. I think it will cause you a lot less pain than if you were to get involved with this girl.


Dear Jini,

There is this friend I recently broke up with. I met her about 5 years ago and we have been good friends, and she considers me as her big brother and I always protected her. After a while, I think I started to have a crush on her. Eventually I feel I fell in love with her, but at the same time I knew she did not have those same feelings for me, at least I did not think so. Within all those years she went with other guys or flirted with lot of guys, which hurt but I did not say anything. She always knew something is wrong with me but I just said it's nothing. My friends and cousin always tell me they think she has those feelings for me too, but I know she does not because she tells me she only thinks of me as a brother and close friend. And every once in a while I would take a few months break from seeing her because it hurt too much. I tried to convince myself not to feel that way about her, but it always came back. She always knew how to make me smile and feel better and always encouraged me in life. But recently I had to break off the relationship and tell her I can't see her anymore because it hurt too much and I don't want to be hurt anymore. She was hurt by this, too, because she said she felt I was her closest friend in all this time though she doesn't feel the same way I do. I told her I can't deal with the pain anymore and I have to just break it away. It was a very sad moment that night because she was leaving for L.A. that weekend, which I hoped would help me try to forget, but I still can't stop thinking about her sometimes, and recently she sent me an e-mail a story about friendship and I just don't know what to think. Part of me wants to just forget about her forever and try to go on with my life, but another part of me wants to try to be with her no matter what she feels and hope she will feel the same way one day. Somehow I think she never will. I just don't know what to think or feel sometimes. I just try to push it all away. How should I deal with this? What should I do?

Lost & Confused

Dear Lost & Confused,

I know that this must be hard to deal with. I have, and I'm sure many have, been in a similar situation. It's always hard to be friends with someone that you care for as more than a friend. However, if there is one thing I have learned in life, it is this: true friends are very hard to find, so once you do have one, you should hold on to him/her for life. This girl sounds like one of those. Though I know that it hurts that she doesn't care for you the same way you care for her, it's not worth ending a friendship. She obviously cares a lot for you as friend. Don't lose that. Friends like her are hard to find. It hurts you, I know, to think about her with other guys. But, I think it will hurt you more if you don't have her as your friend. There are not too many people in this world who will stick by you and support you through everything in life. Keep those people close to you. Sure, it hurts to know that she doesn't love you (at this time), but you're only hurting yourself more if you lose her friendship.


Dear Jini,

I've got this one friend who I've been hanging out with a lot over the summer and it's been great. But now that school is starting up again (we're going to be freshmen), she's started doing things that are really getting on my nerves. Like, we got our schedules last week and she just "has to" change her Spanish teacher (because she doesn't know how he'll teach) to another teacher who she already knows. And back in June we both decided we'd try out for a Varsity sports team and after 3 pre-tryout practices, she told me she's going to quit because "she just knows" she won't make it. I mean, she's not even trying after 2 months of playing/practicing over the summer. Then she expected me to join color guard with her (by giving her instructor my number) knowing I didn't want to. It's just all these little things. She's gotten so grade obsessed, worrying about her GPA when school hasn't begun yet and she's getting so judgmental about everyone and everything. She thinks all Mexicans are horny! I can't stand how she believes in stereotypes. I wonder why I've been hanging with her so much then...I know this is a lot to give advice on but if you could offer anything, that would be great.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I think that a lot of her actions are a result of her nervousness about high school. Though I'm sure you already know by now, high school is a lot different from middle school. Not only are the classes harder, but there is more pressure. You have to worry about grades, teachers, sports, clubs, and college. There is so much for one to think about during high school that it's not weird for people to be nervous or act out of character. I think that is what happened to your friend. She might be a little intimidated by the varsity players on whatever sport you tried out for, thus she quit. She wanted to do color guard, instead, but didn't want to do it alone, so she recommended you, her good friend. She was nervous about being alone with a group of girls that already knew each other (well, not all, but most). She's worried about all the different, new people in the school, and to maybe keep a sense of security, she becomes too judgmental. All of this may just be stemming from nervousness about high school. I remember when I first began, I was kind of in awe because not only was the school big, but there were so many people that I didn't know, and so many things to think about that I had never worried about before. It can be a little nerve-wracking. Maybe you should talk to your friend and see what's going on. You are obviously confident about yourself, so you see high school as just the next step in life, and you can handle it. Maybe she just needs a little of your confidence. Talk to her and see what's up. I'm sure that deep down, she's still the same friend that you have loved to hang out with. Don't let that go down the drain because she may just need to feel a little secure in a setting that she's not familiar with. Support her and try to help her out if she is feeling nervous or scared. I'm sure that will help her to be the friend and person that you know.


Dear Jini,

I have this dilemma. I like this girl a lot and she told me that she likes me, too, but the catch is that she lives about 45 minutes away. She's also going to be a junior this year while I'll be a senior. As you already know, junior year is the hardest year of high school. She's afraid that if we get involved in a relationship, she won't have very much time to see me because of SAT's and studies and I won't have much time this year, either, with college applications and 4 AP classes. Also, she's looking into the future. She says that she's afraid of being hurt when I have to leave for college. She keeps telling me that I'll probably meet someone else in college and forget all about her (this could be true), but I just want to give this relationship a chance. She also says that if we're still together when I leave for college, she'll feel bad because she feels that I should have fun in college and not worry about a girlfriend back home. I know that this probably all sounds as if she doesn't like me and doesn't want to get involved with me, but that's not the case. She's just a girl who cares more about other people than herself. I really feel like she could be the one for me, whatever choice that we make. I just hope that neither of us will regret it later on in life. I'm really frustrated and confused. What do you think I should do? Am I being selfish? I just want her to be happy. What can I do to come up with a solution that could work out for the both of us?

Frustrated & Confused

Dear Frustrated & Confused,

If you feel that this girl is special and that a relationship with her can be special, then I think that you should go for it and see how it goes. All the points that you have made are valid. However, think about it this way: in every relationship, there is something that can ruin it or hurt it. If everyone prevented that from getting involved, then the human race would be very small right now. I think you should give it a shot. Reassure her that you want to get involved (if you do) and that you are willing to face whatever the consequences may be. Remind her that you never know what will happen unless you try. Sure, it could end badly. But, it could also end up being the best thing, and for that reason alone, I would take a shot.


Dear Jini,

I have a guy friend who I'm really close to. I guess you could say he is a best friend. We do everything together: hang out, eat, camp, party, be lazy, etc. He even took me to my prom, even though the girl that he liked at that time wanted to go with him. I really love him in a good-friend type of way. I've always told him that if he wasn't one of my closest friends, I would like him a lot and he always told me the same thing (because we think that relationships often ruin the friendships that were there). He's almost my ideal, except for stupid things like height and stuff like that (oh, and the fact that he gets moody sometimes). Lately, I have been wondering if our relationship might mean more than just friendship. I found out recently that he liked me at the time when he asked me to prom, and I wonder if he still has feelings for me. We both have had our share of relationships during that time and now, and we have always encouraged them, if it was for the best interest. But, sometimes, we go out at night and star gaze and we sit with our arms around each other, almost as if we were a couple, and talk about everything. Some of the things that he does for me are really sweet, and goes out of his way to make sure that I'm happy. I wonder if he does have feelings for me, and I wonder if I love him (in "that" way) and I'm just denying it because of my so-called "ideals" or "reputation," or if I just feel really connected to him because of our friendship. Please help me sort out my feelings!

A Bit Confused

Dear A Bit Confused,

It's actually really hard to say what this relationship could mean. It's obvious that the two of you are really close, and because you are so close, things can be interpreted in different ways. For instance, star gazing with your arms around each other can mean one thing to you and another thing to him, or it could mean the same thing to the both of you, but you think that the other thinks differently. You get the picture. Basically, everything is up to interpretation. And to be honest, I can't tell you if you love him or not. That all depends on how you feel about him. What I think may help the situation best is if you talk to him about it. Since you are too close, and since you have talked about it before, it's not as if it's a subject that you can't bring up. I also think that you have to really think about your feelings. Do you think you love him because the two of you are close and you've thought about it? Or do you really like him in that way? Do you have feelings for him that you've never felt before? I think you have to think about some of those things to figure out how you really feel. I think doing that, and talking to him will help to sort this out for you.


Dear Jini,

I've had a MAJOR crush on a guy (who just happens to be one of my best friends) for almost a year, and I finally worked up the nerve to tell him. He said that since we both will be leaving for different colleges in a month, he didn't want to have a relationship with me. Plus, he has been in a bad relationship and I know he is afraid of getting hurt. I was really crushed by his response, even though I can totally understand his point of view. We promised to stay friends and we continue to talk to each other daily, but every time I talk to him I feel really sad. I even start to cry sometimes. I'm afraid that he thinks I'm talking to him to try and force him into a relationship. I feel so awkward!!

His Best Friend

Dear His Best Friend,

What you need to do is learn to accept the fact that he doesn't want anything more than friendship right now. I know you understand, but because you haven't been able to accept it fully, it's preventing you from having a normal friendship with the guy. Think of it this way: the two of you are going off to different colleges. If you got involved, it would mean a long distance relationship. What makes it even harder is that it is your first year in college (am I correct?), you will be meeting a lot of new people. It may make the relationship harder to keep because so many opportunities arise. I think that it's the smart choice to leave things on the friendship level. Try not to think of it as you losing out on a relationship, but more like sustaining a long-time friendship. I know it's hard to always talk to the person that you want to be with, but if you want to keep his friendship, you're going to have to do it without the sadness and the crying. If he feels pressured from you, he may become distant, and I'm sure you don't want that.

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