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so long Jaehong
-long post-
He left for Korea on Friday...If could have given him a parting letter or something like that...This would have been it.
I wasn't planning on posting this...I'm not looking for pity. And, I'm not desperate(I don't think). I just thought that it turned out alright(I kind of wrote it for...closure purposes.)
Many times, I found myself pondering my past actions.
Everything, I dove into foolishly and without any real regard for those around me. I worried constantly about what you might think of me. The more I thought, the crazier I felt.
I felt very inadequate and hopeless. But, with the aid of my friends, I got up the courage to at least write you a note regarding my feelings. True, they were unfounded and speculatively shallow…they were my feelings.
I thought that it'd be a good and a bad time to give the note to you as long as I felt at least marginally confident in my abilities to approach you, and since it was December. I wrote many drafts of the note trying to decide the best way to articulate my thoughts. I wonder even now if I succeeded. I hope that you know that I was sincere.
I drew many different drafts of you as well. They never turned out right, and that is regrettable. I tried, though…I really did, and was anxious to know what you thought of what I'd done. I'm sorry that I got your hair wrong.
I never liked anyone before, so in my complete confusion and inexperience, I went to the bookstore like I normally do on Sundays with my father and bought a small gift for you. When my family found out, they told me about how stupid a move that had been and not to give it to you. Thusly, I felt really stupid. I didn't return the item to the store, though. I still harbored the faint hope that I could at least become friends and give it to you later. Talk to you normally. But it didn't work out…. and it's alright.
Anyway, I came to school with the note and sketch. I tried to work up courage, but at the time I was going to give the note and picture to you, I couldn't do it. I felt very ill and was about to leave without contacting you at all. One of my friends, though, was looking out for me and refused to let me leave. She shoved me at you, and…you remember what happened from there. I could barely stand upright, honestly.
I didn't know what to expect, what would come about from my note. I fretted for a good while.
The next day, I went, as per usual, to check if the library had Nausicaa vol.1 in (I just checked it out recently). When I saw Timothy standing near the aquarium, I had a feeling that something was about to happen. I wanted to leave right then, really. But, I was rooted to the spot. When I saw you, I felt like dying. It's a strange paradox to be both terrified and elated at the same time.
I was really overwhelmed when you talked to me outside the library. Whatever I wanted to say got caught in my throat and bubbled out incoherent, almost inaudible. I must have looked really stupid. But it was still so nice and surreal to be so near to you.
After leaving the library, I couldn't stop smiling. I was filled with cautious hope and more tenacity than I would have otherwise possessed.
I felt compelled to write more notes since I'm not very skilled at verbalizing my thoughts. Things always get muddled and defaced somewhere in the execution. Once again, I took great care to make sure that my words flowed somewhat and weren't too extreme either way. I wanted to give it to you personally as I had my other note because a third party never comes off as being very straightforward. But, I didn't see you in the library in the morning and wanted to avoid potential hazing if I were to have to approach the Korean table at lunch. So, Georgia, an acquaintance from English class, offered to deliver the note for me. At first, I refused, and later relented.
I hoped for a reply, an indication of your having read the note.
Nothing came of it.
I tried not to think about it much, but harbored an ever-increasing uneasiness as winter break stretched out infinitely in front of me and then ended so abruptly all spent in silence.
I tried to get near to you at school. But any time I felt that I might have wanted to try to make small conversation, I felt stifled. The stone-like composure you maintained disturbed me greatly. I kept reminding myself every time I saw you that it was not right to pursue a one-sided relationship or just someone that wasn't interested in seeing me around at all. I didn't want to make a nuisance of myself. I don't know if those views were radically extreme, but please understand that they were the products of a very paranoid mind.
You know what it is like not knowing something that is desperately important. It is like being in a featureless room devoid of sound, seemingly lacking of walls and pitfalls even though you know that they must be there somewhere…It's sensory deprivation. And you don't know where to go since a slight misstep could end you up somewhere that you definitely don't want to be.
After a while of nothing, I got to be all the more smitten with you and frustrated. I felt bitter and enamoured at the same time. As much as I desired to banish your presence from my mind, it was impossible. The more I tried to distance myself emotionally, the closer I was compelled to become. Admittedly, it was almost as if I was stalking you. Any opportunity that I might have even caught a glimpse of you, I seized upon it and kept my eyes wide open. I both hated the deed but delighted in seeing you at all for any length of time.
A good while passed, that seemed like an eternity, when I gave in to the ultimate conclusion that you were untouchable and more interested in pursuing other opportunities. Different people, different activities, and other things like that.
On the 22nd, we said "hi" to each other, an easily disposable phrase. But it made me very happy for a long time. I hung on that one utterance well into the 23rd and even now. That day, I had a feeling that you wanted to say something more. Why else would you have chosen to suddenly switch lunch lines in the fashion that you had.
Then just yesterday, January 23, Jen Kim told me during passing period that you had left for Korea.
I didn't feel much at that moment. Maybe a little sad, I think.
She was trying to tell me something else, but I didn't hear her caught up in the noisy flow of school traffic.
Later on, I called her, and she informed me that you had tried to contact me on the 22nd.
That messed me up really well.
She said that you had tried to phone me, but by some misunderstanding dialed the wrong Lauren. Even though I never got the call, I am touched by the sentiment and that you would consider to tell me of your impending departure.
Regardless of that, I'm not completely sure what to think of it.
But, I'm pretty sure that I still like you.
...and that's it
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~everybody loves Alex oppa~
-first member-
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01-27-2003 02:01 AM
